Table Talk: A Little Parenting Advice

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We saw A. R. Gurney’s The Dining Room with our kids last weekend. In short, the off-broadway play speaks to the dying culture of the upper-middle class WASP in the United States.

Numerous scenes unfold around the same dining room table, portraying different families who owned the house throughout the years. Their issues overlap and intertwine while touching on realities many wish were not true even today — controlling mothers, manipulation, comparison and choices made to keep up with others, strained conversations in which family members don’t feel safe, infidelity.

Sadly, the dining room is a place of irony. Boasting of potential dialogue and possible connection, it sometimes serves as just a hope for too many families to mention.

What culture have you created around your table?

In one scene, a woman and a craftsman are under the table, looking at how it’s constructed, surmising exactly what needs to be repaired.

Dare we look and examine, really examine, what needs to be repaired around our table?

What would my kids say if I asked them?

That scene uncovered a memory for me. It uncovered a question, too. My godfather, a hobby carpenter, built me a hope chest when I was a teen. If you open the lid to the tangible dreams, you’ll find Proverbs 3:5-6 carved into the corner:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Not bad advice for a girl on the edge of adulthood.

But the table? I wonder… did he etch something under there, too?!


As a wedding gift, “Uncle” Al promised to craft us whatever I desired. It was an easy decision. I ripped a page from a Pottery Barn catalogue and mailed it to his Ohio home.

Post-honeymoon, we drove from the east coast to Indiana, stopping to pick up our treasure. We marveled at the work of my godfather’s hands. Only in my dreams could I have owned a Pottery Barn table, but he made reality better with love and intention carved and sanded and polished throughout.


So did he? Did he etch something under the table, too? Had I missed it for the past twenty years?!

Late last Friday night, we arrived home from the play, and I crawled right under that table.

Sure enough… My goodness… How had I missed this?

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Phil 4, Uncle Alan Gratz, July 13 1996

Philippians 4? All 23 verses?! He must have known a lifetime of marriage and family-ness would require an entire chapter of truth. Would demand heaps of direction. I understand that now.

I grabbed my Bible, wondering what wisdom I should have been heeding all these years. But it was perfect timing. Our timeless God gave Uncle Al a message for me twenty years ago, knowing I’d need it at this season of life… at this stage of parenting.

5 Keep your gentle nature so that all people will know what it looks like to walk in His footsteps. The Lord is ever present with us. Don’t be anxious about things; instead, pray. Pray about everything. He longs to hear your requests, so talk to God about your needs and be thankful for what has come. And know that the peace of God (a peace that is beyond any and all of our human understanding) will stand watch over your hearts and minds in Jesus, the Anointed One.

Finally, brothers and sisters, fill your minds with beauty and truth. Meditate on whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is good, whatever is virtuous and praiseworthy. Keep to the script: whatever you learned and received and heard and saw in me—do it—and the God of peace will walk with you. Philippians 4:5-9


To every mom and dad out there —

5 Clothe yourself with gentleness, for you’re reflecting the Maker to your children… even on weekday mornings before school.

Get real about your anxiety regarding your children’s path. Talk about it and surrender your fear to your Rescuer. Admit you need to be rescued and accept that your kids will need to be rescued, too. 

Don’t resent how God has created them. Don’t apologize for this to others, either. Be grateful your sons and daughters are already fulfilling God’s purposes for their lives (even though they might not know it yet).

It’s hard to believe, but you can actually experience peace in your thought-life and in your emotions. Jesus Himself is standing guard over your minds and hearts.

Pursue beauty and truth. Walk away from the comparison game and don’t lean into lies. Choose to fill your mind (and eyes and ears) with what is right and true and good… even when posts that breed insecurity pop up in your social media feed.

Live your story — not someone else’s.


Maybe you’re not a parent. Maybe your internal drama doesn’t happen around the dining room table but in trendy eateries with friends. Whether you’ve chosen your community, or it was chosen for you, there’s more than enough grace.

There’s grace for yourself, too.

 

Why I Want A Small Life When the World Keeps Telling Me to Dream Big

 

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“We can’t keep living to impress strangers while the ones we love suffer our indifference. Focused love. Small life. Big rewards.” Don Miller

Focused love.  Small life.  I’m not sure that I want this.

I mean, I do.  But these words are a bit abrasive to the insecure me who keeps searching to find significance.  And um, yes, they’re a bit abrasive to the exhausted me who often feels I have nothing left to give come evening.

Love takes work.

It’s almost easier to reach for the sky than to look into the eyes of those around you. No, really. I think you know what I mean. Try harder and people notice your effort.  Conquer new goals and people admire. Be successful and people see you. People see you.

What is it about the admiration of the masses that feeds our soul only to leave us empty? And what is it about being anonymous that makes us question our worth?  Question in a really scared sort of way?

Laugh at your son’s joke, and you’re still unknown. Play the never-ending board game Life with your daughter instead of Tweeting, and you don’t have a voice in the crowd that day. Engage in conversation with your husband instead of pouring over Pinterest, and no one gets to know your style, your taste for good food, your amazing sense of home decor. Yeah, engage behind closed doors with those you care about the most, and no one will notice you in those moments.

Focused love. Small life. Big rewards.

My son will know I’m crazy about him and will hopefully take that into adolescence. My daughter will cherish the gift of time — translated into security — and might remember it when other girls leave her out. My husband, bless him, who pursues me above all others will know I’d rather talk to him than anyone.

Treasures. Big rewards.

So, today I’m choosing to get to know my family again.

You may need to get to know your friends all over again… or your co-workers who spend their days just an arm-length from you… or your neighbor who waves to you daily… the one whose last name you don’t know.

I’m choosing to look my kids and husband in the eye each time they speak to me this week — even when I’m cooking dinner.

Focused love. Small life. Big rewards.

I’m painting these words on the canvas of our everyday. I’ll need some reminders.

photo source: Steve Shreve on Unsplash