Series on Suffering: Miscarriage & Infertility (Update)

miscarriageWelcome back as we come together today to hear the unfolding of Jami’s story. I wish I could tell you they waited patiently and got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby.

To everyone who has begged God for something and is still waiting, read on…


by Jami…

At this point in my life, I can attest that God loves redemption. The ending to my infertility is not what I would have designed, for I would have written pregnancy into our story. But God’s ways are always better — even if we can’t fully reconcile the ending yet.

After my interview for Repurposed four years ago, we kept trying to conceive. From time to time, I learned to find contentment and accept our situation. Honestly, we were so tired of the struggle and longed for things to be easy.

One day a friend asked if we had considered adoption. We had. We had thought hard about it and even had a crate of pamphlets and applications at home. But it seemed daunting and expensive and so unrealistic. She contacted me again the next day with a call that would change my life.

“Would you really be open to adopting?” she asked again gently.

Not only did my life change with that call, but my view of how God works will never be the same.

A pregnant woman was living at a shelter and couldn’t parent her child. We were introduced, and she felt comfortable with us. Three months later we had a new member in our family named Jaden. We were now parents of two sons, and Tate had a baby brother.

Just like that.

I tell everyone, “You can’t help but see God in Jaden’s story.” Adoption points to a God who knows what we need and fills in every fragmentation. Where there was barrenness, He filled my arms. Where there was emptiness, He made us complete.

IMG_3243

But we had no idea our story of struggle was shifting. There we were — with our dreams come true — awakened into another harsh reality.

From the time he started crawling, Jaden got large bruises on his knees. They were large with huge knots in them. I’d show them to other moms who would dismiss the seriousness of these bruises. But it didn’t feel right to me. I wasn’t a first-time mommy. I had seen bruises with my first son, and this was different. One day his foot caught between the slats of his crib, and his ankle swelled. Another time he got his fingers pinched in a drawer, and his hand swelled up so big the doctor assumed a fracture. But the x-ray showed no break.

Blood tests were ordered, I started to panic, and we learned Jaden’s blood had a low level of a clotting factor. We were sent to a children’s hospital two hours away, and after more blood tests, our son was diagnosed with hemophilia.

Our son was diagnosed with hemophilia.

When the hematologist was explaining the diagnosis, it was if I left my body. I wasn’t mentally present when I was supposed to be listening, and I still have little memory of that day’s events. All I remember is holding the child of my heart close, trying to keep him occupied. My husband, Jim, had to relay all the details on our drive home. And that is when I shed my tears. Our exhausted baby, who had been poked too many times with needles, slept in the back seat, and I let the tears flow. I cried and cried and cried.

The next few weeks was a blur of trying to give Jaden his medicine. There were so many hurdles. His veins are so small, and it was quite a challenge to find someone in our small town who could access him without doing too much damage.

After much thought and more wrestling, we decided to surgically get Jaden a port in his chest for his infusions. The thought of my 21-month-old boy getting an incision near his heart and in his neck made my heart race. I tried to picture myself sitting in the waiting room but couldn’t manage to picture anything calm.

The surgery was difficult. Jaden’s veins were hard to work with. They tried on the right side. They tried on the left side. He eventually had a needle in his arm which gave him a constant dose of the clotting factor.

After surgery his port was continually accessed for a week, and our education began. A home health nurse came once a week, and we watched her give Jaden his factor. After only a few weeks, it was our turn. This was one of the scariest times of my life. We continue to navigate this road together. All of us, even our 11-year-old Tate, are working together to keep our family healthy. Currently Jaden gets two infusions weekly of a clotting factor that prevents him from getting bleeds, and we give him the infusions right at our dining room table.

IMG_3258

It’s overwhelming sometimes. But God placed Jaden with us because we are the best family to keep him safe and give him what he needs. What a privilege it is.

Sometimes I get angry and want to scream, “God, what in the world were you thinking?” I’ve never been good around blood. It makes me queasy, and needles make it even worse. I hate it. I hate putting the needle in Jaden every time. I hate the fear of not getting it in right. I hate the thought of hurting him.

As I sit in front of my now 2-year-old son, needle in one hand and grasping his port in the other, it feels like a cruel joke. How could God give me this task? But I do it. I access Jaden. He thrives. The bruising is gone. And we do this cycle over and over and over. What feels cruel brings healing. What feels cruel brings healing.

God has given us everything we need. He gave me Jim who is strong and incredibly sacrificial. He has given us people who encourage and support us. And our family — I really don’t know where we would be without our extended family. He gives me strength to open my eyes and get out of bed. He gives me endurance to keep giving Jaden what he needs.

After all of our struggle — the miscarriage, infertility, adoption and now hemophilia, I am very aware of God working in our lives. James 1:2 says to consider it pure joy when we face trials because it produces perseverance. I can testify to that. Our life IS that verse, and I know when it’s all finished, we will be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Not lacking anything.

We put seven years into waiting for another baby. To this day, it feels like a lot of time wasted on sadness. We look back, though, and see why we needed to wait. God had the perfect plan. He knew we needed to be ready for Jaden. Money was in place, people were in place to move things along, friends and family were ready to come along and support us. Also, Jaden’s birth mother was so calm and ready to let us love and care for this long desired baby.

The waiting, the adoption, and the hemophilia care has changed us. Our son, Tate, has become so compassionate as he watches Jaden grow and helps him through hard times. He loves fiercely with a loyalty that amazes me. Jim and I have learned to lean into each other even more, something I never thought possible after a miscarriage and infertility. God says the two shall become one, and it seems as though we are. Jim is so devoted and involved with Jaden, and they have a bond that is beautiful. Hemophilia has made us more confident. When you are “playing doctor” in your own home and succeeding, it gives you so much confidence.

God says in His Word He will give back what the locust have eaten, and I always think about Job getting back more than he had before. I know it is true for us, too. I look at my boy, and he makes the waiting seem so long ago. Our season of suffering seems so small when I sit in the presence of my Savior. He is teaching me to rest in His presence and rely on the power He gives through the Holy Spirit. I will rest, and I will rely. Day after day after day.

IMG_0121


photo source | mili vigerova

One thought on “Series on Suffering: Miscarriage & Infertility (Update)

Comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s